So by now, we’ve all heard the stories from Golden Gate Park. Yes, we know that there was a bacterial virus unleashed by an animal rights group calling itself the Prion Liberation Front who had the audacity–I’m sorry, the chutzpah–to liberate mice from their cages at UCSF. Yes, we know that these mice found their way to Golden Gate Park and infected upwards of 3,000 native doves. Yes, we know that the virus has put some sort of. . .well, folks, let’s just call it a spell–where the doves are okay by themselves as individuals. but whenever two or more are gathered together, they start to conspire to act like bats and swoop down and suck the blood of dogs and poor kids on skateboards. The question is–what are we gonna do about it?
Well, the board of Supervisors doesn’t seem too interested in a green-friendly, yellow-neutral, orange-alert solution. How hard would it really be, folks, to come up with 6,000 ten inch barriers that we can place on each dove to prevent them from socializing with other doves? We have leash laws.
Part of the problem with being homeless is it ain’t any fun. Especially if you’re a kid from Ohio with a skateboard and a mangy dog. If you have to stay anywhere besides nowhere, it’s usually a homeless shelter. You get a cot and shower maybe. But you don’t get fun. And people need fun and homeless people, like it or not folks, are people. What could be more fun than one of those McDonald’s plastic ball pits. Now follow me here, people. 1) Take the cots and the showers out of the homeless shelter. 2) remove the roof from the homeless shelter. 3) Fill the homeless shelter with those plastic balls from McDonald’s. 4) Drop the homeless people into their new fun home. And the best part is, every two weeks one of the blue Angel Jets will do a flyby and drop fresh needles. Or we could just continue to accept a world without innovation.
Ed Jew. Look, folks. There’s been a lot of controversy. Is Jew good or is Jew bad? I like Jew. Jew’s good. If some people happen to think that Jew is illegally occupying Burlingame while making imperialist claims on the people of the Sunset, I invite them to read the history. Jew has been in the Sunset since 1948, like it or not. but you wouldn’t know that to hear the local media in headlines like: “Jew Doesn’t Where Money Came From!” or “Shame On Jew” or “Jew, Get Out!” I think we all can agree that headlines like this should convince you that Jew does not control the media. It’s time to end the relentless attack on Jew. And stop hiding behind the excuse, “It’s not that I don’t like Jew. It’s just legitimate criticism of Jew’s treatment of Palestinians.”
OK… enough comedy…. go to Chicken John’s official campaign website